Justin's Story

Monday, February 11, 2013

Trying to stay positive

I guess these feelings will always be around......Justin fell asleep next to me the other night and he was holding one of my fingers just like when he was a baby. I just lost it and had a good cry, I guess its true you have to cry when you've been strong too long. I was thinking about everything and how things were before diagnosis. Just being able to be a kid and not worry about if he's allowed to have a snack or what he needs to eat. I look at old pictures and see a carefree happy kid and now I'm not so sure, sometimes I think he's pretending to be happy, I'm not even sure he knows how to pretend that. But is just a feeling I get. It seems like a little while after checking sugar or getting a shot he's all happy and silly, then it's time for another check and he's reminded that he's different. He has started saying things hinting to me he's sad or frustrated.

I am trying so hard to help him not feel different. I just want him to have as normal a life as possible. I mean I guess this is his normal but.......ugh. I HATE that that I can't fix this and take away his pain. It sucks so much and only those with type 1 or have a child with it know how I feel.
I feel like we're handling everything great and then I have nights like this where I'm just so sad and hating life and wanting so bad to turn back the clock and enjoy every meal we didn't have to check sugar or give a shot.

I hate that I'm such a nag at school, at least I feel like I am.

I'm trying to find a group for type 1 that's more for kids, Justin has met 1 boy in 1st grade that is diabetic but they never get to see each other at school. I told him at the walk there's gonna be tons of kids who have to do all the things he has to. He's still very excited about that.

I worry so much about his future and everything, I worry about complications. Just growing up and trying to fit in is hard enough and this is just something that makes him different. It's so hard accepting that this is your child's life forever.

I guess I'll be strong for a little bit then I have to have a night to just let it all out and have a good cry.